Blogging as therapy

In my comment to Stuart Henshall's post about his decision to pack in blogging I wrote that the main benefit for me from blogging has been the close circle of friends it has given me. I have written in the past about how close that group can feel and how online friendships can feel at least as intimate as face to face ones.

I have in the past had two or three very close friends who I have spent a lot of time with and with whom I feel I can share anything - no matter how long it has been between seeing each other. However I haven't been in touch with those friends for a very long time now and, despite trying, those rewarding face to face friendships haven't transferred easily to online conversations.

I am beginning to feel the absence of this sort of close friendship and the space it affords to sort things out in your head and to have a group of people willing to accept you for what you are and allow you to really open up about what is troubling you.

In the meantime I have also become addicted to self help books and to seeking ways to improve myself. There is a clearly a level at which I am feeling the need of being improved. A deep feeling of not being right or being good enough has plagued me most of my adult life and nothing I have done has managed to shake it off. I

I am toying with a number of ideas for using online tools to help provide me with a therapeutic forum which could act as a replacement for close circles of intimate friends or professional counseling help.

Could I replicate this high level of closeness of intimate friendship online? Could I discuss the stuff that really matters in an environment where passing it on would be as easy as copy and paste? Could I respect the rights of those close to me and my employers yet at the same time really get to the bottom of things that are troubling me in a manner which may encourage others to do so?

Without at this stage getting into a discussion about blogs vs wikis etc. I'd be interested in knowing what people feel about this, whether they think it might work and even if they might want to get involved.

Comments

[andy]

"Could I respect the rights of those close to me and my employers yet at the same time really get to the bottom of things that are troubling me in a manner which may encourage others to do so?"

Just to take that one question... For myself, I've found that there are, of necessity, boundaries to what I can blog about. At times I've posted some quite personal stuff, but often in an abstract way, and only where it doesn't involve people whose privacy I have no right to compromise. And that's a severe limitation - all of the biggest issues of (my) life seem to involve relationships of one kind and another.

Putting the confidentiality issues on one side for the moment, some form of online group therapy has two things going for it: the discipline of trying to achieve clarity by putting feelings into words, and the thoughtful affirmation one so often receives. Both of these have helped me tremendously. The downside of course is the severely restricted communication - they say that the words themselves form only 7% of any communication, body language and tone of voice providing the other 93%. Smileys are a poor substitute for seeing the look in another's eyes.

Hmmm... that all sounds as though I'm being skeptical... I guess the 7%/93% thing is just something to work around, and the confidentiality thing isn't necessarily such a big issue for everyone... dunno...

Good question to ask though. I'll chew on it, and also be interested to see what others think.

[Euan]

Thanks for that Andy. In fact the support network that has gathered around your blog is a particularly good example IMHO. As for the confidentiality issues I was thinking I could set up a separate, membership blog or even a Yahoo group. Even then though it would mean discussing things I normally keep off this blog. Is that different from chatting face to face in terms of confidentiality? Not sure.

[Stuart Henshall]

Euan,
You wrote here and on my blog some great comments. Thanks.

You wrote above: "Could I replicate this high level of closeness of intimate friendship online? Could I discuss the stuff that really matters in an environment where passing it on would be as easy as copy and paste? Could I respect the rights of those close to me and my employers yet at the same time really get to the bottom of things that are troubling me in a manner which may encourage others to do so?"

This is exactly what I'm focussing on. It will be a collective group and effort. "Conversations about change..." Look forward to sharing more and getting your input.

Happy New Year!

[Siona]

Euan.

I would *love* to talk to you about this.

I first entered the world of online journaling after being encouraged by a number of girls I'd met through a recovery forum: I was struggling (greatly) with my own addiction issues, and this group has set up a LiveJournal community that provided a support system that I can begin to overestimate. The encouragment and help I found there, and, too, was able to provide, was unbelievable.

I eventually 'graduated' myself out of that more insular group into the blogosphere at large. Doing so was an attempt on my part to work on greater transparency in my life: as with all addicts, I'd been living a life of lies for so, so long, and commiting to truthfulness and honesty in my thoughts was necessary for recovery. I thought that doing this online would be a good way to practice for the real world. I had no *idea* how well it would work: the support and encouragment and feedback and general level of sympathy, insight, and helpful, concrete suggestions has been remarkable. I don't know whether or how often you read Nomen est Numen, but if you do, you'll find the comment boxes there are filled with the words of little Bodhisattvas.

So yes, it can really help.

There is the caveat, of course, that you can get too wrapped up in this internet thing. What's kept me from worrying about this is the number of real life friends I've been able to meet through my journal: I know a good-sized group of people within a literal 10 mile radius who, withouth my online presence, I would have never had the opportunity to meet.

I'll stop here, though. Feel free to drop me an email if you'd like to hear more. And best of luck with everything.

[Euan]

I can't wait Stuart and I'll correct my miss-spelling of your name!

Thanks for these encouraging thoughts Siona. I'll get in touch by e-mail.

[suw]

Well, tentatively, I think yes, you could use online tools to do something constructive and helpful. The caveat for me would be to be careful who takes part, and how you do it. I would also suggest a variety of tools, a mix of slow time (blogs, email, etc.) and real time (irc, im) and media (video and audio chat) in order to help get over the body language/tone of voice issue brought up by Andy.

I do, though, understand how you feel. Until recently, I was stuck in a really crappy situation that essentially resulted in no social life at all offline. That meant all my social interactions, and therefore all my 'getting things off my chest' activities, happened online and it turned out that venting frustrations on a message board was not necessarily the best way to handle things.

I guess my main point is yes, give it a go, but proceed with caution. :)

[Chris Corrigan]

Blogs are span, wikis are depth. Addictions to self help are span, choosing a practice and focusing on it is depth.

It's one thing to read widely, another to practice widely. Reading widely works well for developing one's mind. Practicing widely does nothing to improve one's self - it only diffuses the energy needed to boil up real transformation. We accumulate self-help tools with the belief that a full box is better than an empty one. In the end though, it looks a bit like that second drawer in the kitchen. Full of clutter and things to help you do one little task, but devoid of actual knowledge of how to make soup.

I know because I share this space you're in to some extent. In an effort to pare down, I have been playing recently with the idea of "making do," that is settling into to what I already have and what I already know and going as deep as I can into that. The hungry ghost craves more, because it feels like the answer is just around the corner. It's not easy to beat this ghost, let me tell you.

But what I have found is that "The Answer" is not just around the corner. Like a well, it is beneath you and to get there takes enormous amounts of concentration and focus on just one practice to move into those depths and find that answer, which actually turns out to be an open ended process. Clinging to "enlightnement" or "health" as an end state is delusional. There is not such thing. We are living beings in living systems and end states are what's known as "death" in biological circles.

So making do is about one thing that takes you deeply into practice. The Buddha says it's as simple as following your breath. If that was the only thing you knew, and you did that every day for the rest of your life, you would be a better person.

I just offer that. Happy New Year pal.

[Euan]

Thanks for this Chris - great stuff. Especially the idea of "The Answer" always being around the corner. This is why I have enjoyed readingTony Parsons' As It Is and Steven Harrison's Doing Nothing so much but as you say there is always the seduction of the continuous search to deal with.

[badly dubbed boy]

Personally, I think blogs are far too open a forum for therapy. Therapy requires a sympathetic shoulder or a dispassionate uninvolved mind. Blogging offers neither of these.

My dabblings on my blog into my "real" thoughts have resulted in comments from people around me, who in typical blinkered fashion, have just told me to get over myself and get on with it. Not exactly the sort of comment I was looking for - if I'd wanted to bother my real-life friends with these problems I'd have talked to them and gotten exactly the same response.

[Euan]

I wasn't suggesting doing this on my main blog Andrew - if I used a blog format at all it would be closed group, hidden url etc. It's more likely to be a Google Group or a wiki.

Interesting your frustration at wanting to talk about things and getting unsatisfactory reactions. This is why doing this sort of thing online appeals to me as I could potentially connect with those who DO want to help and Are interested.

[Yves]

I read about this guy, Ole Anthony, who started the Trinity Foundation, which is a Bible study group, in the old style gnostic sense (don't think religious right, think early Christians who were killed or burned at the stake). In a strange synchronicity, I listened to yesterday's discussion and he touches upon some of the issues you discuss in this post-- about reading self-help books and trying to improve yourself. If you have the patience, I recommend you listen to this 30 minute mp3. He's a great speaker and maybe the lesson you are seeking is not out there-- but in you.

http://www.thedoormagazine.com/mbs/2004-12-31_mbs.mp3

--Yves

[Euan]

Thanks for the thought Yves but - gramatically incorrect, pseudo James the 1st language bible bollocks - no thanks.

[Claire]

Hi Euan,

I was sceptical of the closeness that can be gained online for a long time but blogging has changed my mind. I now share your beliefs about the closeness of online friendships. Thank you for being patient.

Your idea for some kind of online counselling tool is great. I would be happy to help because it is something I would have appreciated last year. On 2 January 2004 I left my then partner due to domestic violence. Shortly after, it became clear that our joint circle of friends were turning their backs on me because they couldn't handle what was going on.

The understanding I have pieced together after reflecting on this for a year is that they wanted to make the situation go away and not have to deal with it. By excluding me from the group they achieved that. They were more concerned with group equilibrium. I really would have appreciated support from a group elsewhere to have reflected on this, perhaps online, as you suggest.

I spent many months last year reeling from the shock of losing my then group of friends. It still hurts. Every day. But blogging has given me a different, more effective way to reach out to people and to make friendships with people that I wouldn't ordinarily meet and, who I suspect, I will have more in common with anyway.

Your comment, "A deep feeling of not being right or being good enough has plagued me most of my adult life and nothing I have done has managed to shake it off" resonates. The only insight I can offer is from my own experience. I've felt socially inadequate for as long as I can remember. For a long time I felt I was boring and dull because I didn't have a huge group of friends and a packed social diary.

With that background, my "friends" dumping on me last year could have been the last straw. But it wasn't because I decided to stop trying to living up to the expectations peddled in the media about how your life should be. I stopped buying women's magazines and self help books. I started looking inside myself, to question my own values and beliefs about what I thought was important.

Euan, you worry you aren't right or good enough. Self improvement is a positive thing - but who says what's right? Who says what's good enough? I believe the only person that can ultimately decide is you. And what may be right or good enough will continually evolve anyway so there's something about accepting that fluidity too. I believe in making those decisions from within. And of course, you'll get by with a little help from your (online) friends.

[Euan]

Thanks for this Claire - drop me a note with your non-work address and I'll invite you to the group.

[ntexas99]

I meandered over here from andy's weblog, and I guess I'm not at all surprised to find some familiar faces. The idea of a therapy blog or group is one that I'd encourage for many reasons. In my own experience, I've found that supportive commentary can be very helpful when facing self-doubt and confusion. Sometimes a new set of eyes helps you see what you already know, but are unable to find within the expanse of conflicting emotions or tribulations. I'm an advocate of therapy, and can truthfully say that finding a therapist that I connected with during a difficult time was a key ingredient in making peace with some rather troubling issues.

If an online therapeutic environment could offer what I believe to be the three most important components of therapy (empathy, reflection, and freedom to speak without boundaries), then I'd be interested to see it in motion. I believe it would be possible, and I hope you move forward into exploring this venue for healing.

[sophyQ]

I come at this issue from a different direction. I got into blogging having first been involved in MSN and Yahoo groups. (If you can find my 'Adventures with my computer' post in my blog Inner Space, that'll tell you the background to some of it. There's a link on the side panel called 'sort of archive' that should help you find it). One group and only one group helped give me faith in other people, more faith in myself and a lot of missing confidence. I left mostly because of a bad clash of personalities and because having discovered blogging before I left that group I realised I could at last use my voice 'without interruption'. I personally don't take kindly to group interactions, mostly because this is not something I'm used to, I've always been a very solitary person.

I've not had a close friendship (apart from my husband, but that's a different thing altogether) since my teens, and I'm 53 now. Since getting internet connection a couple or so years ago, it's opened up the world to me, in a much more emotionally stimulating manner than I'd expected. Being agoraphobic, this medium really IS my social life, mode of therapy and all sorts of things all in one.

I don't know what advice to give you, but I would say that if you want the sort of feedback that would be as therapeutic as you'd find in a one-to-one situation, with a close friend, then when you've made friends via whatever medium you choose in cyberspace, you've got to follow it up with some kind of closer contact - email is good for longer conversations, then maybe I.M if that's your thing (I've never got on with it myself), the phone if you're comfortable with that, and then - if at all possible probably meeting the person. Trouble is... friendships on the 'net often take place across vast distances which can make meeting people difficult. (I've not yet met any of my 'net friends, but have spoken on the phone with one so far).

Hope things get sorted out for you (I'm also a 'self-help book' person and that sort of stuff, but as I reckon I know myself better than anyone else can, it seems the logical way to go!)

[Euan]

Thanks guys.

ntexas99: Not surprising that you found my blog familiar as it is my"fault" that Andy got into blogging after me raving at him about it at work!

sophyQ: I have in fact just started a Yahoo group with a few of the friends I have accumulated through this blog and will see how it goes. I agree with you about the noisiness of most boards but being small and selective should help.

I have met a lot of the people on my blogroll now, including loads of guys from the US, and it is wonderful how close we already felt even the first time we "met" face to face.

I'd be happy to send both of you invites if you want to join in btw.

[sophyQ]

Thanks for the offer, Euan, to join your group - I'm hoping to move out of London in the next few months (tough thing for an agoraphobic to do, but I'm doing it!), so I'm putting off a lot of new things til I'm settled somewhere else. I need the peace and quiet. (The hope is to go to Wales).

[Piers]

Hi Euan,

As long as it doesn't stop you getting out of bed in the morning, those feelings don't sound so bad to me. At least you've got some natural humility and will to improve. How much worse if you had a deep feeling of being right and being good enough!

As to replicating your support network online, I tend to agree with Andy on the face-to-face. Might the hard bit in the support not be the opening up, but the listening after you've opened up? For all of us, that is.